Never make permanent decisions

on temporary feelings

Blog reading:Militant Baker.

I really felt like this written verse was written about Matt and I.

1.)I have called myself fat before while looking in the mirror. I use to do it at the trailer,the mirror in the kitchen particularly. And He would say no I am not. I never wondered why I couldn't be both. I had to be one or the other,and I was fat.

3.) I have done this. I have looked on his Fb just searching for "signs". I have even picked up his phone,rarely but i have.


6.) the only reason we did it (in the past with the lights off) is bc he felt unsexy. I have been turning off the lights recently bc I don't feel sexy enough for the lights to be on. I don't think he has noticed, bc I am sure he is taking it as habit.

7.) I love feeling his hip bones and have been telling him this from day one! He doesn't believe me when I tell him he is hot,sexy,handsome etc.I also believed (and sometimes I still do) that he will "wake up" and go find his true love.

8.) Girls do flirt with him. But since he doesn't flirt with them, I switch it on them and start flirting with them. He likes taking pictures of me. Like lots of pictures,and I eat it up.

9.) YES

10.) he does. :D

job resume
I just sent in my job app and resume in. This is the first time I have done so in 3 yrs,so updates had to be made to say the least.
Under Objectives or Career Goals I fought so hard on what to say. I wanted to be just real and say A Day Job. I just want a day job. lol.
Tags: , , ,

We babysat Bella (Billie's babe) this past Saturday.  At one point I made a statement that instantly made me feel disgusting and shiver. I told Matt that is was incredibly sexy and hot that he was helping me so much with Bella. He picked up her by himself! I didn't ask him at all. Mind you, I had a horrible trouble with him just holding Navy when she was (like) 3 yrs old. He held her so awkwardly. ( She is probably almost 5 in this photo. I have a picture with him and Mia (Amber's kid) when we first got together,but it was on Myspace so it "disappeared" for the time being. Anywho. He picked her out of the carseat,which he had to untie himself! I walked into the kitchen to were he was and whispered in his ear the above. I even joked that if I ovulated, my eggs would have dropped just now. LOL. But it seriously was hot. I don't know what it was was fucking hot.  (BTW, he wasn't holding Bella when I told her this)

Bike options.
Our bike store, that I might go to on Sat.
Plus size riding info
Bikes I like,in no order. I really like the brightly coloured Huffy bike. But I believe it says no one over 200 lbs, :(

I have a problem.
Matt is getting tired of my yelling. He hasn't said so,but I can tell. He has mentioned how he can't pick with me. It is a common problem with me. I start having a panic attack, I look over and see Matt being cheery/not going fast enough and I get very demanding and fussy. I really would like some suggestions on how not to blow up. For example...tonight. I was late. very late. it was 11:03p (had to be at work for 11p) I was putting on my shoes,and trying to ask Matt to get me some gummies,but instead he was being silly. In my head I felt like I had no time for silly as I was already REALLY late,so I semi blew up. I just rawred at him,get me gummies!!!! I know deep breathing helps,but a lot of the times I forget that. So give me something I can do,that I can easily remember.

Just pondering.
Matt mentioned how he thinks(possibly) that there are no disorders but just different personalities. I defiantly don't believe this. I personally believe there is 'something' wrong with me. Miss-firing if you will. I feel like I am the odd ball out,when everyone around me is able to have a normal life. Why does having a small plan change in my day,fuck everything up for me? It isn't normal. Most people just roll with the punches. Why do I scream and holler when I know damn well it doesn't help! It sure isn't because I love to hear myself scream. A lot of times I am very regretful after I scream at Matt. And I mean to the point of beating myself up for it. The main reason I believe people have disorders is bc the numbers aren't as high as they would be if they were just quirks. What does that mean? I understand being grumpy is a quirk,but when you put many 'quirks' together you get a disorder. It is normal to have a quirk or two,but a shit load equals a disorder,to me. I have a shit ton of quirks therefore I am bipolar. Especially having going through the bipolar workbook! god damn....I am...

So yesterday was a bad day!
Vrry bad day.
Anna called me bawling. Anna doesn't cry so this was bad. She was in hysterics. She was watching Lil' man die. (Ollie's brother) Matt and I rushed over there in the mustang. We thought it was better. As the mustang has been in bad shape for a bit. While putty did hold we have a different problem now. It was still over heating,and still smoking. And when we opened the hood it had "brown" liquid all on the left side of the car. I believe it was oil. Matt said it looked like a hose had popped off. Since the car was too hot to mess with we hung out with Anna and cheered her up.She showed us photos from her vacation,and gave us a shot glass full of smoothie wine. That was some amazing stuff! So yummy. I had not had alcohol in forever. At least 4 months! Lil Man was refusing to die. Well it started to pour,and while MAtt was looking at the cooled down car,Anna and I went and brought Lil' Man under the cover. When we were on our way back to her room I fell. I busted my ass...more like my toe. I sliced it pretty good. So,bleeding in Anna's room,cold and soaking I felt kinda bleh.
Then we decide to leave. Anna was worried we wouldn't make it home. She made sure I would text when we got home. We made it to Iberia bank in Scott. We had to push the car into a parking spot. Which we did without fussing. Anna was nice enough to come pick us up. When walking to her car I fell again. When trying to get up I fell again and went sliding down the cement. All of my front of my dress was muddy. I got into Anna's car,and started to feel the cement burn. We got home,thanked Anna and went inside. Matt turned to me and asked if I wanted to eat the most unhealthy burger ever. I said YES! While he got food I took a hot bath! Uuugggh. Around 8:30p I got a text from Anna saying Lil Man died.
RIP Lil Man! He probably had the same immune defiency Ollie has.

Ruined Sat?
Bleck. Just bleck. I had plans to go two graduations today. Mrs.Joann's at 930a and Angel's at 4(ish)p. I got to go to NEITHER. I was still at work when Mrs. Joann's rolled around. Her's was in Euince,and for her nursing degree! I was finally relieved at 950a. (I get off at 7am on sats) I got to lay down at 11a. Matt called me at 1130a asking if I wanted to eat in Carencro with him and his peeps. I couldn't get out of bed,as I just laid down. Matt come in the room around 330p and let me know he was going to Angel's graduation at the Cajundome and not to feel pressured to go. I was so gone that I couldn't talk in real English,I spoke in Sim language. SO I missed her high school graduation!!!! GOD DAMN!!! I hate when I am on call.(at work)

I might be glitching out....
For some reason it is bothering me when people say without Christ in christmas you are doing a dis-service to god. Or you are too lazy recognize who the season is about. I don't know why it is bothering me. But it is. Carry on.

Really why?
Not much has happened lately. Same old same old. Matt and I went to Matt's parent's house this past Sunday.(After our Sat got completely messed up) Matt's grandma made a few comments toward Matt and I,not us as a couple but in general. Him about his hair and me about my weight. poop.
I know I am overweight,but Sunday I was very bloated b/c I was conspaited,for two days at that point. :( ANYWHOOOOO
Call me crazy,call me bizarre but for some reason I have a want,cravign or maybe even an urge to visit my grandparents. Why is that bizarre? Well all of my grandparents are dead. But I really want to "talk" to my grandma of all people. I mean seriously I want to go to her gravesite and just sit and talk,since I am now an adult. Call me even weirder but I want to "introduce" Matt to them. (My Dad's parents are located side by side in Monroe) Call me strange but I really want to do this. One problem is I have no earthly idea how to get there. As it is in the boonies of the boonies.I am going to end this journal now since I am about to cry,for the second time of the night.
(Update on pills: no sudicidual thoughts,still having panic attacks,but mood is generally ok)

You are viewing elephantsrock